18/03/01

You mean the world to me. I do not know how I lived before you. Nothing makes me happy ... except you. Listening to your voice, seeing your photos, speaking with you, feeling your love ... This is the only time I feel happy ... Only you make me feel happy. I love you so much ya Setty.

17/03/01

I love you so much ya Setty. It means the world to me when I chat or speak with you ... and, when I see your photos, my world comes to a halt ... I become fixated in a worshipful trance. I wish you knew how much I love, adore and worship you. I love you so much ya Setty.

Lost 16/03/01

 I lost this post :"(

15/03/01

Since I fell in love with you, I have been discovering and realizing new feelings, thoughts, perspectives, aspects,  ... and, almost continuously ... the bitter sweetness of love, and the reasons, meanings and nature behind dogs' whining sounds being just couple of those. Speaking of and thinking about dogs earlier today, I realized a new one.

I realized how a dog that is neglected by his owner would feel hurt, abandoned, sad and depressed .... yet, in spite of all of that, would continue to love, adore, worship and long for even a look from his owner. I also discovered that regardless of how long his owner abandons him, neglects him or pushes him away, and regardless of how hurt, abandoned sad or depressed he feels, he would still instantly jump and run to his owners feet, kissing them, licking them and worshiping them only from something as simple as a smile, a word or even a "pssst" from his beloved owner.

14/03/01

Two days without a single word ... I miss you.

13/03/01

I liked the horror story! Such a cute baby monster. It's crazy how I love everything about you. And, it makes missing you all that much more difficult!

12/03/01

There is a reason I ended my last post with an observation, rather than a question or a conclusion. As is said, one shouldn't ask a question they do not wish to know the answer for. Or, as you say, things materialize only when we name them. I guess it didn't help that I refrained. Despite of my best efforts in denying what I know to be true, you've announced it loud and clear ... and, brought out an end to my denial.

I'm not neutral. I just have very strong control over myself. In addition to my unique upbringing, it's one of the traits of all world class card players. Anecdotally, I was trying to give it all up for you. I have been constantly trying to take down all my walls and let you in. Completely in. And, I would still do it, in a heart beat, for you. Your pain hurt me tremendously, especially the part attributed to me. I wasn't happy about it. I told you I'd sacrifice and suffer for you ... and, I meant it. I could see you're pushing me away, and I let you be. In fact, I might have helped you too. I didn't try to fight back, not because I'm neutral, but because I am unable to be with you right now or make you happy. So, I trusted you'd choose what would make you happier.

Now, I'm conflicted with many different and opposing thoughts and emotions. The only aspect I have no doubt about is that I still love you very much and I'll always do. No matter how far you push me, how far we drift or how long we live, you'll always be the one and only Setty I ever loved, love or will ever love, and the only person I ever wished to submit to, surrender to, and live my life with and for. You will always be my dearest, most beloved Setty.

11/03/01

I am very happy you're writing again. I absolutely love reading your writings ... All of them; whether on your website or your WordPress blog. And, I love your poem!!

I respect your mind and enjoy your views. I love the fact that i learn a lot from you. It's one of the primary reasons that made me fall in love with you. While I felt happy that you liked one of my recent posts and proud that you decided to highlight an excerpt of it in your blog, I couldn't help but notice your choice of words when referring to me. You said "A beautiful extract of the subs journal" ... "the subs" ... not "my subs". 

10/03/01

I'm happy that you have started writing a blog, and that you shared it with me. I loved reading your three posts. I just love everything about you ya Setty. One of your posts raised the following question in my mind: Do I feel safe with you? I have been thinking about this almost the entire day, and I've been reaching different conclusions.

I know that being yours and with you makes me feel exceptionally happy, way beyond what I could express with words, but do I feel safe? For one aspect, there are many different sides to safety. There is physical, psychological, mental, emotional, societal, among others. And, there are many different sides within each. On a different aspect, since I feel very happy for being yours and with you, do I even care about being safe. I clearly remember you once telling me something within the context of: that it's possible that a Mistress could brake one of her toys, even if she likes it a lot; hence, it's possible that she could brake her slave too. So, is this safe?

While I could probably continue to analyze, think and write about this topic extensively, my bottomline conclusion was that because I love you so much, and because I trust your intelligence and love for me, I find myself willing to overlook my safety only for being able to be yours and with you, and being able to please you. Nothing makes me happier than pleasing you. I love you ... very much ... ya Setty.

09/03/01

Thank you for your support today ya Setty. I dearly appreciate it. It means a lot to me. The effect you have on me never seizes to amaze me!

I find it pretty interesting how I lived my entire life valuing my independence, full of pride for owning it, fighting anyone who even dares to question it, let alone attempts to challenge it. Yet, with you it is the complete opposite. With you, I find myself not only willing to surrender my independence, but also wishing to loose it ... wanting to give it all up to you and for you. I find myself wishing to surrender every aspect of my life to you ... to live my entire life under your control and in submission to your authority. I love you so much ya Setty. I worship you.

08/03/01

I'm very stressed. I've an important deadline in 17 hours, but I do not know if I'll be able to meet it. It's causing me a lot of stress. I'm also quite stressed because I miss you very much ya Setty. I hope you're well.

07/03/01

I always remember you. I am always thinking about you. I do not like feeling and being a stray dog. I miss Setty.

06/03/01

I truly miss you ya Setty. I do not like that I have come to know very little about you ... I do not know how you are, how your days are going, how things are going, how you are feeling, what you are thinking about ... I do not know anything about you theses days ... and for almost two weeks now. I know you have your reasons; so, I am not complaining. I am only sharing my thoughts and feelings. This week is quite stressful for me. I have to work a lot this week. I think about you all the time. I hope you are well.

05/03/01

I am very stressed this week. I've got some very rigid deadlines that I have to meet. And, I miss Setty, alot. Sigh.

04/03/01

I hope you're almost over your cold by now ya Setty. I can't tell you how much I wish I could have been there with you through this cold; pampering you, taking care of you, making sure you're taking your meds on time, making sure you're getting enough rest and enough good sleep, making you lemonades and making sure you're drinking enough fluids, cooking for you and making sure you're eating healthy, keeping your company, giving you massages, entertaining you, loving you, worshipping you, and just being there for you ... Just taking care of you ... Setty.

03/03/01

I miss you a lot ya Setty, and I love you very much.

Communication is the primary cornerstone of any successful relationship. Be it a relationship between lovers, friends, business partners, life partners, teammates, coaches and players, siblings, parents and kids, teachers and students, national allies, landlords and tenants, leaders and followers ... whatever the relationship, communication is a significant and necessary component for success. Poor communication is always a recipe for trouble ... and, lack of communication is undoubtedly a recipe for failure.

While I have not thought about this before, reflecting on it, I can sort of deduce why I have consistently maintained writing this journal for you, but never for anyone else. I can conclude that I never cared to write a journal for anyone else because I never cared to maintain communication with anyone else .. because I never cared about maintaining my relationship with anyone else ... but not you. Because I care about you like I never cared about anyone else ... because I love you like I never loved anyone else ... because I care about my relationship with you like I never cared about my relationship with anyone else ... because I want to maintain my relationship with you like I never did with you any one else ... because of these reasons, I started and have continued to write this journal for you like I never did with anyone else ... because I care about the success of my relationship with you like I never did with anyone else, and because I never wanted to be with anyone else like I want to be with you ... because I love you like I never loved or will love anyone else.

You taught me many things. It is one of the many reasons that I love you. And, I love you for a lot of many different reasons. I love so many different things about you. But, the one aspect that attracted me most to you was your intellect and intelligence. I always loved listening to you, learning about your thoughts and seeing things from your perspective ... which was not always consistent with mine ... but it was always intelligent ... and I loved it. I still remember our very first long conversation, which was after our first meeting ... and how you helped me remember things about myself that I myself had long forgotten. I always remember and re-remember many of our succeeding long conversations, and while I cannot always recall all the conversation details, I clearly remember how I always enjoyed them  - a lot! - whether the conversations were in person or on the phone. I always remember and re-remember many of our conversations. I even often go back and read our very first conversations (which were not on Whatsapp). The one aspect that has consistently been present in all of my fond and loving memories of you is how much we enjoyed communication and how long our conversations have always been.

We, both, have many similarities and many differences. Yet, we have both previously stated our mutual lack of belief in distant relationships and our understanding of the potential difficulties, challenges and hardships. Since communication is not only limited to words whether visual or verbal, it also includes facial expressions, body language, gestures, and touch, among others, there is no wonder that distant relationships are difficult. You tasked me with maintaining this, our, relationship, which is a task that I dearly value ... because, I love you and I want nothing more than the success of this relationship ... not for just now ... but forever. From the deepest bottom of my core, I want you ya Setty ... from the deepest core of my being, I want to spend my entire life at your feet, serving you, loving you, pleasing you and worshiping you ... I want to spend my entire life with and for you. I love you so much ya Setty.

I know that something has been off recently, and I have no doubt you know it too. To maintain our love, I am asking you to open your sole and speak with me ya Setty. To speak with me from your heart ... not your mouth. I am asking you to communicate with me ya Setty. I believe that communication was one of the primary vehicles that led to our love ... when you helped me rediscover myself ... when we spent the whole night at Mena House ... when I helped you find the Pokemon ... when you told me about your 20 desires ... when we dined at Thomas ... when we had breakfast at the Marriott ... and when we spent hundreds of the other hours speaking ... We were always communicating ... and, I think communication is also the key for maintaining our love.

I love you so much ya Setty ... more than words alone could ever convey ....

02/03/01

Thank you for trying to speak with me. I appreciate it. I do love hearing your voice and talking with you. Your voice sounded quite sick today. I hope you are feeling better, and I wish you a speedy recovery ya Setty.

Sometimes I wonder if you realize how often I remember you. The truth is I never remember you ... because I never forget you. I am always thinking about you. Whether I am working, eating, driving, teaching, going out, watching TV, falling asleep, waking up, playing, flying, traveling, sailing ... whatever it is that I am doing, you are always on my mind ... always reliving specific moments, rehearing certain conversations, reflecting upon certain incidents, re-seeing your photos, imagining future possibilities, rereading our chats, fantasizing about a specific scenario ... The truth is I never remember you because I never forget you. You are always on my mind.

01/03/01

I am two months old! Today is the first day of my third month. Yay! I feel very happy.

It is astonishing how you completely own and control my feelings and my emotions. Last night, and this morning when I woke up, I did not feel that happy or excited. In fact, I felt the opposite. I felt bitter, disappointed and sad. I felt we were drifting apart, and I felt I was loosing you. Yet, throughout the day, and as a result of just exchanging messages with you ... as a result of feeling your presence ... as a result of reading your "lol's" ... as a result of feeling your ownership of me ... as a result of sensing your celebration of my two months ... as a result of knowing that you liked the bouquet ... as a result of seeing your photo ... as a result of your statement that I love you ... as a result of liking my photo ... as a result of feeling that you want me ... I feel very happy and very excited ... Just like that ... by only some messages!

Your power over me ... your control over me ... your dominance over me ... your ownership of me ... are all so powerful. I love it ... I love being yours ... Nothing makes me happier ... I want nothing more ... There is no where I want to be more than being with you ... There is no voice I love hearing more than yours ... There is no one I love seeing more than you ... There no one I love speaking with more than you ... There is no one that excites me more than you ... There is nothing I want to do more than taking care of you, pampering you, and making you happy ... There is nothing I want more than you.

28/02/01

I am happy I reached this milestone. In spite of my worry about, and fear from, our current status, I still hope and I am still determined to reach many, many others with you ya Setty. I love when I can make you smile or cause you happiness ... and I love seeing your photos and seeing your radiant smile. It has such a strong effect on my emotions. It fills my heart with pride, content and pure delight. So, thank you for sending me your photos. Thank you for making me feel these heart and life warming, pleasant, and delightful feelings. I miss so many things about you; so many different things.

27/02/01

One more day till I reach a new milestone! I hope it will be one of many milestones that are yet to come. I am not happy that we are not speaking. In addition to missing you, feeling lonely, feeling abandoned, and feeling something is missing and is not right with my life, I fear that we might grow (or may be already growing) further apart. I love you so much ya Setty ... I love you beyond words ... and, I do not want to loose you. I have dreamt about you my entire life, and I am ecstatic that I finally found you. You are everything I ever dreamt about or wished for. I realize that you are pretty stressed at this time, and I feel that this stress is causing you to be a little less patient and more critical of me, which is not something that I am complaining about. I love you so much and I am willing to take and endure whatever life would throw at me ... for you. I hope that, together, we could figure this out and find a way to overcome it, stay together and grow even much, much closer with every new challenge and passing day. I hope that your flat plans will materialize and life will become smoother. I hope that I will continue to be your dear lover, close friend, doting pet, cherished sub, horny bitch ... and anything and everything else you might like me to be. I love you so much ya Setty. I want to spend my life with you. I wish for nothing more than pleasing you and making you happy. You are my dear and most beloved Setty.

26/02/01

I'm very happy your meeting with the lawyer was comforting, and you're more relieved now. I love you so much ya Setty, and wish for nothing more than your happiness and comfort ... and, being with you.

I'm only 2 days away from braking the 28/02/01 milestone. I'm very excited and happy that I'll be even more special for you ... Setty. I love you so much ya Setty, and so strongly wish to be at your beautiful feet and with you. The word Setty still fills me with such strong feelings and emotions. I love saying it. I love feeling it. I love submitting to you. I love belonging to you. I love feeling that I'm yours. Thank you very much for allowing me to feel these strong, rocking feelings. Thank you for being Setty, and for rocking me and rocking my life and my world. Also, thank you very much for comforting me earlier today. For telling me that you miss me. I love you so much ya Setty. So So so much. I love you ya Setty, and I miss you so very very very very very much.

25/02/01

I hope your meeting with the lawyer went well. It has been a week now ya Setty. I do not feel you miss speaking with me. Do you miss me ya Setty? I miss you so much. Please allow me to speak with you ya Setty. I beg you ya Setty.

24/02/01

I have been very happy and excited since I listened to your voicemail last night ya Setty. Since I heard your voice. Since I listened to you tell me otta, tell me that you are not upset, and wish me a good night. I have been very happy and excited to the extent that I slept well and had many dreams about you. I was very happy and excited to the extent that I woke up still happy and excited thinking about nothing but speaking with Setty and hearing your voice. I have been very happy and excited because I miss you so much ya Setty. Because I love you so much and I miss you so much. I have been very happy and excited because I thought I was going to speak with Setty and hear your voice today. I apologize that my happiness and excitement "happened" and caused you not to want to speak with me. I miss you so much ya Setty.

23/02/01

I am sad I was not able to speak with you today either ya Setty, but I am happy that you are well. The message you sent me got me quite worried, but thank you very much for comforting me. I am happy you are well ... I am also very happy that I got to hear your voice, even though it was only a voicemail. I thought I knew how much I missed you. I thought I knew and I thought I felt that I missed you very much. But, I realized that that wasn't true. Hearing your voice message made me realize that I missed you a lot more than what I thought I did. Listening to your voicemail, knowing that you are not upset with me, hearing you call me otta, and listening to you wish me a good night made me feel how I incredibly miss you and how I am so completely and madly in love and in awe with you. It is so crazy that such a mere 13 second voicemail from you rocked me so much. But, then again, it is very appropriate ... because I am just as madly in love with you. You are Setty. I worship you. You rock me. There is nothing I want more than to be yours. To be with you. To be at your feet. To love you. To worship you. To live with you. To live for you. I love you so very much ya Setty. No words could ever convey how much I love you and how much I worship you. Ohhhhh ya Setty. I am so under your thumb. So under your spell. You have such strong dominance, power and control over me. I am your slave. Your otta. Your bitch. I am yours ... and, there is nothing I want more than to be yours. There is nothing that makes me feel happier, more content, or more at peace than loving you, submitting to you and being yours. I love you so very very very very very much ya Setty. So incredibly much. I worship you. You are Setty. Agmal we a7la we a3zam Setty ... ever! I love you ya Setty.

22/02/01

I miss you very much ya Setty. Please allow me to speak with you ya Setty. I do not know why you do not want to speak with me. Are you upset because of my heavy work schedule? Is this the reason or is it something else? Please talk to me ya Setty. I miss you very very very much. It hurts not to speak with you, know how you are doing, listen to you, hear your laugh. I miss you wishing me a good night and a good morning. I miss submitting to you and feeling your dominance. I miss you very much ya Setty. Please do not be upset with me. Please allow me to speak with you ya Setty. I beg you ya Setty. I love you.

21/02/01

I miss you sooooooooooo much ya Setty! This is the second day in a row you sleep without speaking with me or wishing me a good night. Please do not be mad at me ya Setty. I miss you sooooooo much! I hope you will allow me to speak with you tomorrow. I so miss speaking with Setty ... 7abebty ... rou7 alby ... 7abeebet 32ly. I miss listening to your voice very much. I wish you knew how much I love hearing your voice and your laughs. I miss you soo much ya Setty. Soooo very very very much!

20/02/01

I was hoping and looking forward to speak with you today ya Setty. Ottettek misses you very much. I'm also a little worried about you. You haven't slept before without at least wishing me a good night. I hope everything is alright ya rou7 alby ya agmal Setty.

I did a good amount of work today but I'm still very behind on several upcoming deadlines, which is very stressful for me. I love you and I miss you so much ya Setty

19/02/01

I was very happy today to hear your voice ya Setty. Oh, how I love you and miss you so much! At the same time, I was sad that I wasn't able to be with you while you were unhappy. How I wish I could just lay beside you and at your feet ... caressing you ... kissing you ... worshiping you ... serving you ... and taking care of you ya Setty. I hope that I could speak with you tomorrow and that you could tell me all the things you wanted to tell ottettek ya Setty. I love you so much ya Setty. So very very very very much ... I am so madly in awe and love with you ... my Mistress ... my Owner ... my love ... my Goddess ... Setty rou7 alby.

18/02/01

I am so excited I am only 10 days away from 28/02/02! Because, then, I will be your only pup who has made it this far, and I will be even more special for Setty, who I completely adore. But, this will only be one of many, many more milestones that I fully intend to achieve and shatter. I hope that I will continue to be your special doting pup till the end of my time ya agmal we a7la Setty. I am so in love with you ya Setty.

I love you so much ya Setty and I miss you very much. I spent my entire day today just waking up and dozing off again. I was so tired. I wanted to continue sleeping till the morning, but I woke up to write my journal entry ... because I love you so much ya Setty and wish I could always please you and make you happy. I miss speaking with you very much ya Setty. I wonder how your day was. I have two very stressful weeks with many deadlines ahead of me. I miss you very much ya Setty. I love you so much ya Setty. I so wish I could just lay my head at your beautiful feet ya Setty, kiss and worship them, be absolutely happy and at peace ... be in my submissive heaven at my beautiful Goddess's beautiful feet ... my amazing Goddess who I completely belong to and who completely owns me ... mind, heart, body and soul. I love you so much ya Setty.

17/02/01

I am very sorry I upset and disappointed you ya Setty. Listening to your voice messages, I immediately saw and realized my mistake. I felt sad and disappointed in my own self for making this silly mistake. I am truly very sorry for not being able to notice and avoid making making it. Yet, at the same time, in my own defense, I think you are being a little too harsh on me ya Setty ... because I did (and always do) desire to tell you more details.

Since the last time, and per your instructions, I never went out without informing you ya Setty. But, you never told me or indicated to me that you wanted me to inform you of details. On the contrary, I usually feel that you are not interested in knowing much details about my daily life, whether it is work, social or play. At several different times, I tried telling you details about various different things in my life and every time I felt you were not interested. So, I was under the impression that you are not interested in learning about much details. Yesterday, like at other earlier times, against my own preference. I refrained to inform you of details, even though I wanted to ... because I thought that this was your preference.

At the same time, at a couple of earlier times, you commented that when I send you many messages while you are asleep, the sound of your phone wakes you up. Therefore, I have been always trying to minimize the number of messages I send to you while you are asleep. I am always thinking about you ya Setty ... I am always checking your photos and the messages we exchange. I love you so much ya Setty, and I love being owned by you. There is nothing I wish more than being completely yours and living under your authority.  

I do not argue that I made a silly mistake and I am truly sorry ya Setty. Just like I have learnt from and never repeated any of my previous mistakes, I promise you that I have learnt my lesson and will not repeat this mistake again. Please forgive me ya Setty. Please do not be upset with me. I think that you are usually too critical of me when you are upset or angry. When you are less upset with me, I hope you will forgive me ya Setty. I love you so much and I wish for nothing more than living at your feet, living for you, being yours and being owned by you ya Setty. I love you so much ya agmal we a7la Setty. So very very very very very much.

16/02/01

Setty 7abeebet alby! I do not think you realize how much I love you and respect your intellect and thoughts. Your words and actions have such a strong effect on me. You are very important for me; you are Setty ... my love ... my owner ... and I am yours. So, I pay very close attention to your words, actions and reactions. I do not think you realize this. I do not think you are aware of the strong impact that your words and actions have on me. When we spoke earlier, you said you couldn't take how cheerful I was. This is not the first time you make such a comment. So, I started thinking about it and reflecting on it. As has been happening repeatedly, I ended up learning more about myself. You are constantly causing me to learn more and more about myself.  

Upon reflecting on it, I did notice that your comments have been very true. I am surprised to notice that I am always very cheerful, happy and excited when I speak with you. Regardless of how tired, exhausted, sleepy, angry, upset, or any other mood I might be feeling, just seeing your message or hearing your voice, completely changes my mood. It immediately turns my feelings to be full of cheerfulness, happiness and excitement! I instantly become so happy and very excited that I can relate to a dog jumping up and down, and wagging his tail only for the sight of his owner. These observations just reconfirm what I already know. It confirms how totally, completely and utterly I am in love with you. It reconfirms and depicts how much I love you, worship you, and wish I could spend every moment of my life living with you and for you. I just love you so much ya agmal we a7la we a3zam Setty. So very very very very very much. I am totally, completely and utterly madly in love with you ya Setty. I worship you. I love you ... ya Setty.