There is a reason I ended my last post with an observation, rather than a question or a conclusion. As is said, one shouldn't ask a question they do not wish to know the answer for. Or, as you say, things materialize only when we name them. I guess it didn't help that I refrained. Despite of my best efforts in denying what I know to be true, you've announced it loud and clear ... and, brought out an end to my denial.
I'm not neutral. I just have very strong control over myself. In addition to my unique upbringing, it's one of the traits of all world class card players. Anecdotally, I was trying to give it all up for you. I have been constantly trying to take down all my walls and let you in. Completely in. And, I would still do it, in a heart beat, for you. Your pain hurt me tremendously, especially the part attributed to me. I wasn't happy about it. I told you I'd sacrifice and suffer for you ... and, I meant it. I could see you're pushing me away, and I let you be. In fact, I might have helped you too. I didn't try to fight back, not because I'm neutral, but because I am unable to be with you right now or make you happy. So, I trusted you'd choose what would make you happier.
Now, I'm conflicted with many different and opposing thoughts and emotions. The only aspect I have no doubt about is that I still love you very much and I'll always do. No matter how far you push me, how far we drift or how long we live, you'll always be the one and only Setty I ever loved, love or will ever love, and the only person I ever wished to submit to, surrender to, and live my life with and for. You will always be my dearest, most beloved Setty.
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