16/01/01

I love you so much ya Setty. Your words have such a profound impact on my emotions and feelings. When you say things like "I loved you journal post", "I love you", "I am sorry I cannot come sooner" or even a single word like "Otta", my heart flutters and I feel a tremendous amount of joy and happiness. I feel extremely happy when I sense your care and love for me. I love you so much ya agmal we a7la Setty.

I felt truly happy speaking with you yesterday, and even hearing your voice for a couple of minutes today. I love feeling close to you. It fills my heart with happiness and joy. Even when you are feeling tired, stressed, or injured, and while I feel pain for not being able to be with you, taking care of you and loving and  worshiping you, I still feel truly happy that you allow me the opportunity to be with you - even if remotely. I can feel your content for the arrival of your brother. I hope he will be able to reduce your stress, even if for only a couple of days. I am happy that you are going to get some sleep tonight, and hope you will also get to eat something. And, I just really hope that he could take you to see a doctor too. I am really worried about your foot.

I love you so much to the extent that I care about and love everyone you care about and love. Although I never got the chance to meet or speak with your mom, I care about her and feel I love her, from your stories and because she is your mom. I pray for her well being, and I hope she will recuperate and be better very soon.

I love you so much ya Setty. I love you so very very very much! I am just madly in love with you.

15/01/01

Setty! As the title of this blog indicates, today marks my second week anniversary in ownership to you. I never imagined that this journal could ever be so short. Writing this journal, every day, and looking at its title date, I have been always dreaming about the time I would reach the second month, tenth month, second year, tenth year ... and wondering whether I would reach the 30th, 40th or 50th year. Since I met you, I have been always dreaming about spending my entire life by your side and at your feet. I know you told me to stop writing this journal, and, surprisingly, it hurts me a lot. But, I find myself unable to quit my dream of living my life with you and for you. So, in spite of your opposing demand, I find myself insistent on writing; hoping that if you, one day, find yourself missing it, you would be happy to discover that I never stopped writing ... for you.

This is truly quite surprising to me. I never enjoyed writing. The last time I enjoyed writing was more than 20 years ago. So, while it was interesting for me to find myself happy to write for you, it is even a lot more interesting that I am continuing to write for you, even when you have demanded the opposite! It might be quite interesting, but I do not find it strange or weird any more. You made me discover love, and with love, you made discover and taught me many other meanings. Meanings that I never imagined existed. You made me discover a lot of things about myself. A lot of thoughts and a lot more feelings, These thoughts, these feelings are huge, extravagant. They ... you ... have rocked my world. My love for you is enormous. It is huge, much more than could ever be conveyed by mere words. So, in comparison to these thoughts and feelings, and my infinite love for you, discovering that I would love writing ... for you ... becomes completely insignificant. In fact, it becomes completely rational and unsurprising.

I love you so extremely much ya Setty. To an infinite extent. You are my owner, my love, my Mistress, my Goddess, my life. You are Setty! I love you to an extent that I cannot fathom or describe in mere words. I am your slave. I am your property. I am your love. I am yours. So, I find my self unable not to do things for you. I love doing things for you, which is another very surprising side of me. Even when people who I hold dearest to my heart ask me to do things for them, I do these things because I am supposed to do them. Because I should do them. But, not because I love or enjoy doing those things. But, my love for you is absolutely, completely and utterly unique. I love doing things for you. I love doing things for you because I want to do them ... because I love you and wish for nothing more than to please you and see your beautiful smile.

I am sorry ya Setty. I am sorry that I am unable to fulfill your demand. I am sorry that I am unable to stop writing for you - as you demanded. I am sorry that I am unable to imagine time passing without doing things for you. I am sorry that I am unable to stop this date-title. I am sorry that I am unable to stop my dream about reaching 01/01/50 or 01/01/100 or for whatever length of time I will continue to breathe. I am sorry that I am unable to imagine living without you. I am sorry that I am unable to stop hoping, wishing and dreaming that you might one day wish to read my journal again.

I love you ya Setty. I love beyond what mere words could ever explain. I love you ya Setty.

14/01/01 A

Not being able to speak with you, Setty, my Mistress, my leader, my love, rou7 alby, my Goddess, is very, very painful. I do not know why you have no desire to speak with me, which makes it even more painful. I know something is going on, and I do not know what it is. It pains me, hurts me and confuses me. I want nothing more than to be very close to you. To be your slave, your friend, your pet, your partner, your love, your trusted companion, but I can see that something is keeping you away. I am going to respect your desire. I will try very hard not to pester you with my pain, my love, my requests or my desires. I will stop mentioning it and complaining about it. I will suffer in silence, and just wait for you to want me again. I will try really hard. I do not know if I can succeed, but I promise you I will try very, very hard, and hope that you will allow me to be close to you once again. Every bit of my being is completely and utterly in love with you.

13/01/01 B

I am not really sure what to write. I miss you a lot. I thought about deleting the last post a few times earlier. As promised, I took the less defying option earlier today. You did not give me permission to go out; so, I stayed home the entire day, which was not too exciting. But, I am happy I obeyed your instructions and I hope you will be proud of me and like me more.

I keep remembering how beautiful and sweet your voice with me was yesterday. I was very hurt and very confused, but when you spoke with me, you were very kind and loving. You eased my pain, embraced me with your kindness, understanding and love and made me feel happy and peaceful. I felt so full of admiration, love, awe and worship of you, and so badly wished I was with you so that I could embrace you, kiss your feet, kiss you, love you, worship you, and shower you with me love and adoration. Yet, at the very end, I felt that something upset you. I felt distant from you when you decided not to share it with me, shut me out and sent me away. I wanted to push further, but I couldn't risk upsetting you again. So, I just surrendered to your will.

I truly admire and appreciate your intellect ... a lot! I love how rational, intelligent, smart and level headed you are. I was very happy when you explained to me that you are gentle with me because you realize the issues of distance, and the early age of our relationship. I really appreciated that and made me love and adore you even much more. Every day, I just fall more in love with you. You are so incredibly amazing. You rock my mind, my heart, my soul and my life. There is no one else like you ya Setty. You are so incredibly amazing, and I know I am so incredibly fortunate to be your loving slave. I love everything about you ... everything! I love you so much! So very very very much ya agmal we a7la Setty! But, I miss you a lot too.

13/01/01 A

May be western superstitions about the number 13 are true after all!

I am very confused. This confusion is really painful. Right now I am certain about only one fact: that I love you so much! I love you extremely much ... so very very very much. I love you with every bone, sole and drop of blood running in my veins. May be that's why I wouldn't mind giving you (and no one else ... not even in play) my blood after all ... because it is already yours. Since I woke up, for five continuous hours now, I have been thinking about my feelings, trying to understand them. I still can't. They are very confusing. I think something, then, I do not know if it is true. Is this normal? I feel something, then I do not know if it is true either. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I do not know what is true and what is not. Only two feelings I cannot deny: I love you so much and I am extremely scared of loosing you. I do not want to live without being yours. I do not want to live except as your slave, and at your feet.

You know I have never loved before. You are my first and definitely only love. I do not know what is normal and what is not. Does love always come with fear? Have all people who have ever felt love experienced fear in the same way I do? Is fear a core, mandatory part of love? Is it normal that I do not want to think or be anything except what I think would please you? Is it normal that I am constantly afraid of loosing you? I feel like a drama queen! Am I becoming a drama queen? Is this drama another normal part of love? I do not know if I should be writing this, or sharing it with you. I do not want to think, write or be anything but what would please you! I love you. Would these fears upset you? Would they push you away from me? If yes, then I have to get rid of them, or bury them, or forget them. I do not want them if they are going to push you away.  I do not want to find an answer or reach any conclusion that would be in conflict with yours. I want to be yours. I want to be everything you desire, including how I think and what I believe. Does this dependency make you think less of me? Would it repulse you that I am too dependent on you? Does it make you think less of me? It feels that everything I think raises even more questions, more fears and confuses me even more. Every time I think of something I find myself asking if it would make you like me less, and just because there is a chance it might, I find myself blocking this thought and starting to think about some other aspect. Then, I find myself asking the same question about this other aspect, then block it and start thinking of yet another aspect. This becomes an endless cycle. I fall into endless loops and end up feeling even more and more confused.

In addition to being in absolute awe for you, love with you, and constantly missing you, may be this is yet another reason why I am always eager to speak with you. I want to know you more. I want to know everything about you. I want to know you even better than you know yourself - if that's even possible. I want to know you ... No! I need (not want) to know you, because I want to be yours. I want to build my thoughts, my beliefs and myself in accordance to your desires. Yet, even when you allow me to speak with you, I learn very little about you. You do not share much with me. Plus, my endless love for you causes me to get fixated on you - fixated on your voice, your sighs, your surroundings, my love feelings towards you, my desires to kiss you, smell you, taste you, worship you, my desire to be with you, spend my life at your feet - and I fall into a love trance that makes me forget everything I wanted to ask you.

It confuses me even more that you do not desire to speak with me much. I used to love writing this journal for you, but since I started writing, it has taken away from the time I used to be able to speak with you. For this reason, my feelings towards this journal have become more of a love-hate relationship. But, it appears that it is going to take even more, and this is confusing my feelings towards this journal even more.

 I completely understand that speaking with you is a privilege, which I dearly and greatly value and cherish. I could never ask you to allow me anything that you do not feel like you wish to allow. But, it still pains and confuses me. I find myself thinking of things like: does she like me less? does she love me less? may be she find me too submissive? with all this crying, does she feel I am weak? does she dislike my weakness? may be she doesn't find our conversations interesting? may be I bore her? ... I understand that the love trance I fall into when we speak can be boring. I know that I fall into a trance and only keep repeating how much I love you. Sometimes, even when we speak and I somehow find my way outside this love trance and identify a question, you tell me you do not wish to speak about it, and when you do, I just surrender to your desire. I love you so much and I am always scared from upsetting you. So, when this happens, I find myself thinking again of how much I love you, and I fall again into my love trance. If this is the reason, if my love trance bores you, then perhaps I can write my questions and thoughts down in advance and read them to you when we speak. But, I do not even know if that's the reason. I know very little, and I am so confused.

This is only the very surface of a deep ocean of thoughts and feelings that are confusing me, tormenting me. It is very strange that while I feel very confused when I am not with you, when we speak, your voice gives me warmth, makes me feel loved, calms me down and gives me peace, and when I see you, I forget everything except how much I am in complete awe for you and love with you. I need you so much ya Setty. I love you, I adore you, I worship you, and I need you to teach me, guide me and lead me. You are Setty, I am your slave, and I want to be everything you desire. I want you to love me and be proud of me. I love you so much ya Setty.

12/01/01

I apologize ya agmal Setty for not following your instructions to the letter yesterday. Today, I will not commit the same mistake. Neither today nor ever. Per your instructions ya Setty, following is a list of only 10 unfulfilled fantasies.

1) I fantasize a lot about being such a good slave that my Mistress would use me, showcasing my submissiveness, to teach a group of her vanilla friends about FLRs.

2) I have always fantasized about serving as a pegging training toy for one of my Mistress's novice friends, where my Mistress would use me to teach her friend about pegging.

3) I have always fantasized about knowing my Goddess's feet so well to the extent that I would be able to identify them from many feet while being blind folded; by only their odor, texture, shape, taste, ...

4) I have fantasized a lot about being at my Mistress's feet worshiping them while she sits on the table eating. Then, after she is done, eating her food scraps from a bowl at her feet, where her feet would be casually placed in my food bowl.

5) I have fantasized a lot about having my ass plugged with a remotely controlled vibrating plug, where my Goddess would playfully turn the plug on and off while we are having dinner in a public restaurant.

6) I have repeatedly fantasized about being tormented and humiliated by a remotely controlled cock shocking device, where my Mistress would torment me with it and be entertained by my suffering.

7) I have fantasized a lot about being lent out to serve the feet of one or more of my Mistress's female friends at their own respective homes: washing their feet, giving them a foot massage and proving them with pedicures.

8) I have fantasized a lot about being lent out to serve one of my Mistress's female friends in a sexual manner. Just serving as a fuck toy for someone I do not care about or like only to please my Mistress.

9) One of my unfulfilled fantasies involves serving as a butler for a group of my Mistress's female friends while they visit my Mistress at her house.

10) I fantasize a lot about being trained to enjoy being pegged by my Mistress to the extent that I would be able to orgasm only from the pegging sensations.

Only writing these fantasies down makes me very excited. I love you soooo much ya Setty!

11/01/01

You told me to write 10 things that would scare me or make me feel uncomfortable as a slave. To avoid any possibility of suspected karwata or upsetting you ya agmal we a7la Setti, I am going to exceed the 10 things and write a dozen. I love you so much ya Setti, I would never dare to upset or disappoint you. So, here is a list.

1) I would be uncomfortable to be my self, a slave, in the presence of a male dom.
2) I would be quite uncomfortable to submit to or serve another male, but particularly a male dom.
3) I am always scared that someone from my vanilla world (e.g. a family member, a friend, a work colleague, ...) would see my true self, a slave.
4) I think I could feel uncomfortable if I were to be showed off to and humiliated by a group of females. I would most certainly be highly uncomfortable if this group included males too.
5) I suspect I might feel very uncomfortable if I were to be gang raped while I am blindfolded, where I would not know the identities of those who are fucking me.
6) I think I could feel uncomfortable if I were to perform submissive acts that are unconventional to the vanilla world in public, e.g. openly giving a foot massage in a football game or an upscale restaurant.
7) I think I could feel uncomfortable if I were to witness you being dominated by someone else, especially a male dom.
8) I am always scared that you would find another sub/slave whom you would enjoy his company more than me.
9) I could feel uncomfortable if you were (or worse, someone else was) to take me to a lingerie store and openly shop for feminine lingerie for me in front of the sales people, or worse, ask for their help.
10) I would be scared to go through body modification practices. I value my man body a lot and would be afraid to loose it.
11) I would feel quite uncomfortable crying in front of someone other than you ya Setti.
12) I would be uncomfortable displaying my slave self in public, even if it were a public BDSM event such as the Folsom Street Fair.

In addition to the above list, which you demanded ya agmal Setti, I would like to share a feeling that I experienced today. Because I love you so much and wish you would know everything about your slave.

I see speaking with you as a privilege; a most valuable privilege. This is why when we first started talking, I was always asking for permission before calling you. Because, I never took this privilege for granted. Even after you told me to call you directly (a couple of times), I continued to ask for permission. Until you put me in that predicament and taught me that I should call and not ask for permission. When I realized that you actually meant it, that you actually allowed me the privilege of calling you directly without asking for permission, I felt very happy ... really happy. I felt I was close to you, and felt I was dear to you. I felt extremely happy. Today, it pained me that you took that privilege away from me. I felt the opposite of what I felt earlier. I felt sad, very sad. I felt I am less close and less dear to you. I understand that my feelings do not necessarily reflect the reality. I understand that it is possible that I am neither less close nor less dear to you. But, I still feel the same. I feel pain. I also feel upset. I feel upset because I realize that you withdrew this privilege from me because I abused it. It upsets me a lot that I was so stupid to the extent that I lost a privilege that I valued so dearly. I am angry with myself, and I feel pain in my heart.

I thought a lot whether I should share this with you. I am afraid you might misunderstand my intentions from sharing it. Please understand and be absolutely certain that I am not making any demands and I am definitely not complaining. I completely understand and respect all your decisions. I am fully aware that allowing me (or anyone else) to speak with you is a privilege that only you control and bestow. You have absolute and complete power over who you'd allow or deny such a privilege. And that your content, peace of mind and satisfaction are my, your slave's, top priorities. I have only decided to write this down and share it with you because you told me that you wish to know everything about me, and especially my feelings. I love you so much ya Setti, I am completely submissive to you, and I am so lucky that you own me. I am madly in love with you ya agmal Setti.

10/01/01

I love you so much ya Setty. I love everything about you. I love your smile, your laugh, your mind, your thoughts, your mischievousness, your body, your scent, your face, your hair, your lips, your tongue, your mouth, your ears, your nose, your eyelashes, your eyes, your cheeks, your neck, your shoulders, your arms, your hands, your fingers, your palms, your finger nails, your breasts, your nipples, your torso, your ass, your pussy, your thighs, your legs, your knees, your calves, your ankles, your heels, your feet, your soles, your feet balls, your toes, your toe nails, your tattoos ... everything about you. I am always thinking about, remembering, and fantasizing about each and every part of you. I love everything about you ... a lot! I miss smelling, touching, caressing, kissing and tasting each and every inch of your amazing body. I love you so much ya Setti.

I also love surrendering to you. I love to feel your control over me. Your ownership of me. I love how you teach me, control me and own me. I love how I fear upsetting you. I fear you when you shout at me, and I love when I apologize to you and beg you for forgiveness, and I love when you forgive me. I love that you control my thoughts, my dreams, my mind, my body, my orgasms and my fantasies. I truly love everything about you.

I was extremely happy when you said you wanted to feel me inside of you. I am always thinking and dreaming about how heavenly this feeling would be, and how much more I would fall in love with you. My love to you fills me. It overwhelms my feelings to the extent that it overshadows any other feeling I might have for anyone or anything else. I love you so much. It overwhelms my heart, my breath, my chest, my thoughts, my dreams, my entire heart, mind, body, and soul.

I soooo love speaking with you, especially when you spoil me with your feelings towards me ... like you did yesterday. It sends me into a trance ... a spell of awe, happiness, love, adoration and worship for you. It is such a beautiful and powerful spell that makes me wish it would never end. It pains me a lot that I am so far away from you ya Setti, especially when you are hurt and I am unable to take care of you. It pains me so damn much!!! But, I am living on the hope that you will soon be here, and that I will soon be able to be with you, take care of you, pamper you, spoil you and love you with my entire existence, and in person. I love you so much ya Setti. I so wish I could spend me entire life with you, at your beautiful feet, by your side, with you and for you. I miss you so much Setti. I love you so much ya agmal we a7la Setti ... ever! You are so incredibly amazing. You own me!

09/01/01

I loved speaking with you yesterday so much ya Setti. I was so happy that I was able to see you and see your mesmerizing smile. I also loved seeing your sexy, sexy body! I loved that you were happy and I loved our entire conversation. I loved how you spoke with me and allowed me to speak with you. I also loved that you asked me to "a7keelek". It is strange how much I love to "a7keelek". I have such a strong desire for you to know everything about me ... all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my issues ... everything about me. To know everything about me both inside and outside. I have never been so open and honest with anyone like I am with you. I love you so much ya a7la Setti.

Today, however, I miss you so much. I was pained when you kicked me away and hung up on me. I do not understand why. I fear that I might have done something to upset you. I have been thinking and re-thinking what I might have done to upset you but I can't seem to identify it. So, I thought may be you were just in a grumpy mood and didn't wish to speak with me, which I completely understand and respect. However, after yesterday, where I was extremely happy to speak with you and where my heart was fluttering with joy due to feeling really close to you, it still pains me that you did not wish to speak with me today. I did not feet close to you and it pains me to feel that way. I love you so much ya Setti, and I miss you a lot.

I was tremendously happy yesterday when you said you wanted to be everything for me: my friend, Setti, my Mistress, my partner, my Goddess, my mommy, my owner ... everything to me. And, you certainly are everything to me. You own me and I love being owned by you. Your words, ... your actions ... you have such a huge impact on me. I love you so much ya Setti. I just love you so much!

08/01/01

Setti, Mistress, Lover, Goddess! You fill my heart, my soul with so many emotions. Sometimes, my heart finds it impossible to hold them all. So, many of them escape out in the form of whimpers, moans, confessions of love and adoration, and also tears. You have taught me ... No, not taught. You have led me to discover and continue leading me to discover many feelings that I had never experienced in my earlier life. And, some I never even realized they exist. One of these new feelings is dependency. Since my early childhood, I have always been a very independent person. I cannot recall a time when I felt I needed or depended on someone else. Today, I feel very dependent on you.

My heart flutters when I see your smile. I can still feel the beautiful feeling I felt when I walked towards your table, holding your bread on a plate, and you looked up at me with your mesmerizing smile. It is such a vivid memory, and such a beautiful feeling I can never forget. I smile when I see your smile. I feel happy when I hear your laugh. I feel sad when you are unhappy. I feel pain when I am unable to take care of you. I feel fear when you are absent. I feel safe when you tell me you love me. I feel anxious waiting for your next call. I feel jealous when you are with someone else. I feel horny dreaming about you. All my thoughts, feelings and moods are dependent on you. Throughout my life, I have always been quite independent. This new feeling of dependency is totally new to me. It scares me because I cannot control it. It controls me.

What is even more scary is that I know that these overwhelming and controlling feelings are still at their beginnings. They are still infants, but continue to grow day after day. If they are so powerful and controlling right now, I wonder how they would be months and years down the road.

I love you so much ya Setti. I love you. I adore you. I worship you. And, I am dependent on you. I need you ya Setti. I need you very much! You are everything I ever dreamed about ... or wished for. You are a Goddess. You are my Goddess. You are Setti! I love you.

07/01/01

Today, I feel very tired. I will undoubtedly fall asleep the moment I lay down, or if I stay put for a few minutes. I suspect that this might be the reason I am unable to please you well today, or may be you are just in a different mood which I am unable to see due to not being with you. I cannot wait to be with you and to live at your beautiful feet. I actually fell asleep right now while typing this and woke up to  find 5 continuous lines of the letters "a"! I do not wish to take any risks by writing something stupid that I do not mean; due to being so tired and not being able to think straight. So, please forgive me ya Setty.

Regardless of how tired I feel, I can still clearly feel very strong and infinite love, adoration and worship emotions I have for you. I love you so much ya Setty! I am so madly in love with you ... ya Setty.

06/01/01

With every passing day, I find my love, adoration and worship to you growing ya agmal Setty. This word, Setty, has become to mean something completely new and different to me. It represents what you mean to me. It represents how much I love you, respect you, trust you, admire you, fear you, adore you and worship you. It is a word that means so much to me. It means You. In the distant past, to me, this word used to be somehow equivalent to the word Mistress. But, today, it represents you, and only You. There are many Mistresses in this world, but there is only one You! You are so incredibly amazing. So amazingly unique. There is no one like you. I have never met nor ever imagined that I could ever meet someone like you. Not because I find it difficult to meet others, but because I never believed in miracles. You are a miracle! You possess an astounding combination of perfections that I thought would be impossible to be possessed by a single individual. But, you are not an individual. You are a Goddess. An incredibly amazing Goddess! You are very clever, really smart, incredibly sexy, naturally dominant, quite confident, and yet, you are also kind, passionate, compassionate, loving and very warm. We are all humans. We all have imperfections. You say you have a couple, but I doubt you do. To me, you represent perfection. Absolute, complete and utter perfection! To me, you are a Goddess. A complete, utter and perfect Goddess. A Goddess like no other. You are a miracle, and I am so incredibly lucky to have met you and incredibly grateful for every moment you allow me to spend with you. You are Setty, and I am so incredibly in love with you. I worship You!

As I eluded in my posting yesterday, every day you cause me to discover new things about myself. In addition to new knowledge, you particularly cause me to discover new feelings that I never experienced before. Jealousy is a very new feeling for me. In my entire life, I never felt jealous before. But, with you, I am always jealous. I am jealous from your pet who gets to spend a lot of time with you and at your beautiful feet, and who gets to feel your touch very often! I am jealous from every person that gets to see you, speak with you or receives any of your attentions. I am jealous from the person that makes your mani and pedi and gets to touch and serve your mesmerizing fingers and toes. I am jealous from your work colleagues who see you and sit close to you. I am jealous from every person or thing that makes you smile or feel happy. However, and simultaneously at the same time, I also feel pretty grateful and love for everyone and everything that causes you to smile and be happy. Is it weird that my jealousy extends to objects as well?! I find myself jealous even from your shoes and your clothes that get to touch your soft skin and can smell and taste your sweet sweat, and your couch and your bed that get to to listen to your voice, hear your breath and make you feel comfortable.

I always suspected that jealousy was associated with the lack of self confidence, but in my case, I think it is much more complicated than that. I feel jealous for more complex reasons. I feel jealous because I cannot have enough of you. Even if I spend 100% of my entire time with you, I believe I will continue to feel jealous because I will always wish to spend more with you. I cannot have enough of you. I can never have enough of you. This is one reason. Another reason is my realization that I am only human, but you are a Goddess. No human can be good enough for a Goddess. After all, a human can never be a God, and a Goddess would never be human. So, my realization that I can never be worthy of you causes me much fear, which also translates to jealousy.  I fear that one day you might decide that I am no longer worthy of your time and move on and forget me. Writing this down scares me a lot! You taught me "إنما تتحقق الأشياء عندما نسميها". So, this is a thought, a feeling, that I have constantly been trying to neglect, to forget ... to deny. It is a very painful and terrifying thought that I do not want, or may be cannot, think about. It scares me and pains me too much. My eyes are already watering. You forbade me from crying except when I am with you. So, I will not continue thinking or writing about this. I will stop here. I love you sooooo much ya Setty! I am so madly in love with you. I worship you!

(Writing this previous paragraph took a lot of time and many, many iterations. It is truly very difficult to think about it, not to mention write it down. It is still not perfect, but if I continue, I will most definitely cry).

Our conversations last night/this morning were quite different from our previous ones. I do not know whether it is because you are starting to like me more (which I really hope and pray for) or whether you were just in a different mood. Regardless of the actual reason, I loved them, just like I love every conversation you allow me to have with you. I loved that you had an orgasm while speaking with me. I loved that you sent me photos. I cannot tell you how much I love seeing your photos. I scroll through all of them, each one I have of you, and wander over them for a long time, each. No words can express how much I love you and love your photos ya Setty. I loved that you shared the photo of your key with me and told me about it. But, you still haven't answered me ya Setty "Will you please hold my key ... please ya rou7 alby ya Setty?" I loved that you wanted to fuck me. Every day. Morning, noon, afternoon, evening and night ... alll the time. I soooooo want to feel you inside of me ya Setty ... on top of me ... using me ... owning me ... and receiving pleasure from fucking me. I want to be yours ... alllll the time and till the end of time. I love you ya Setty. I love you soooooooooo much! No words can express my feelings towards you. I am so madly and completely in love with you ya agmal we a7la Setty!

05/01/01

It truly pains me not to be able to be with you or take care of you, and it pains me much more to feel that I am unable to make you happy. I cannot describe my feeling when you said that I cause you misery ... everyday. It is a mixed feeling of extreme sadness, denial, disbelief, frustration, failure, helplessness ... How could I love you so much, yet not only fail to make you happy, but also cause you to feel the opposite?! Even writing this down right now makes me feel I want to cry.

Love is not the only new feeling that you have given me. Since I met you, I have experienced a vast array of feelings that are completely foreign to me. While love is definitely the strongest, it is only one of many. There are many others. Helplessness, failure, crying, jealousy, anxiousness, anxiety, pain, fear are only a few of these other feelings. Feelings that I have never experienced in this manner before. I mean it when I say or write that "You Rock Me". "You Rock my World". The life that I knew and thought I mastered is falling apart in front of me and it is being replaced by another one that is completely new to me. It is said that humans often (if not always) favor what they know, and fear what is new and unknown. This new, unchartered world is completely strange and foreign to me, and it scares and frightens me, but with you ... and for you, I find myself running, sprinting towards it and in full speed ... diving into its dark depths and in full weight ... and without any regard to caution or reason. My only truth is that I love you! I love you with every bit of my being. I mean it when I say "You Rock Me" and "Rock My World". You are changing everything I know about me or about this world. And, I do not care. All I care about is you. I love you and I want to be with you. I want to be yours and live for you. That is all I care about. You ... nothing else!

I truly love you. I love in a manner that I never knew or thought is possible. One of the main reasons I know that I am truly in love with you is because I care about you more than I care about myself. I think about you before I think about myself. No this is not true! I think about you, only you and nothing else.

I love you ya Setty!

04/01/01

I miss you so much! I spent the entire day thinking and dreaming about you. I miss you a lot ya Setty!

On the plane I kept imagining how happy I'd be if I was flying with you, sitting next to you, speaking with you, seeing your facial expressions, observing your body language, smelling your scent, holding you closely, feeling the touch of your soft skin, brushing your hair, kissing you ... I also remembered how I used to rub my arm skin against yours while walking beside you ...  I'd be so incredibly happy if I was travelling with you. I envied all couples who were traveling together. I also wondered whether you would hold my hand and lead me to the restroom where you would allow me to worship your amazing pussy, which I miss and dream about allll the time. Or, whether you'd choose to fuck me right there on the plane. I wondered whether you'd care about how others might look at us going into the restroom together, or seeing us coming out together, or whether they might hear our moans and envy us!

This feeling of helplessness pains me. I feel helpless for not being able to be with you. Also, feeling your unhappiness makes this pain much worse. Plus, I hate that you are injured and I am not with you. Serving you, taking care of you, loving you and worshiping you. I hate this feeling of helplessness. While I am counting the days till next summer where I plan to spend it entirely with you in Egypt, that is should you allow me of course, I live on the hope that you will come and spend time here. There are a lot of places that I would love to show you, a lot of activities that I would love to do with you, an entire tourism plan if you will. I have a lot of plans, hopes and dreams. I want to make you happy. I wish you would write, and draw, every day! I believe that I could make you happy. Nothing would make me happier than taking care of you, seeing your amazing smile, hearing your heart rocking laughs, and being with you!

I love you so much ya Setty. I am madly and incredibly in love with you. I miss you sooooo much! I love you soooooo much!

I love you ya Setty! I miss you!

03/01/01

You were disappointed with my writing yesterday, and rightly so. Yet, while it literally hurt to hear, read and realize that I disappointed you, I felt very grateful that you listened to my reasoning, understood my motives and explained your expectations to me. I am so incredibly in love with you ya Setty. These small gestures of kindness and understanding mean the world to me. They make my heart smile and fill it with deep and sincere emotions towards you. I can feel my eyes watering right now, only recalling these emotions and my feelings of love and gratitude towards you. I love you so much ya Setty!

I cannot express how much I love hearing your tender words to me. Words like Otta, 7ayaty, Ro7 Alby cause my heart to dance in happiness – and sometimes also cause it to skip a beat. I do not know whether you can feel the effect of your tender words on me; so, I wanted to thank you for allowing me all these splendid feelings. I owe them to you, because you own me and own all my feelings too. In addition to the obvious reason, I feel extremely happy when you use these words because I get to feel that you are happy. I cannot feel happy unless you are.  Your happiness is paramount for mine.

I love you ya Setty! And, I truly hope you will find this post to be at least satisfactory. There is much that I’d like to write about, but as you know, I have to go pack!

Bamoot feeky ya Setty!

02/01/01

The second day of my life as my true self (a longing submissive for my Gorgeous Goddess, Goddess Maya) has been quite eventful! My amazing Goddess woke up with a terrible tooth pain, couldn't get an early dentist appointment and had to wait till late at night to see the dentist! However, on her way to the dentist, a car stepped on her toe and might have broken her toe nail!!! It pains me a lot that i am unable to be with my Goddess at such times; when she is in pain and would benefit from having an attentive, loving slave to serve and take care of her. My Goddess has been in pain the whole day and i couldn't do a thing. It is quite painful to feel helpless, particularly when it concerns someone that I deeply love and worship. Sigh. I so wish I could be with my Goddess!!!

Ohhhhhhh! My amazing Goddess wrote to beautiful pieces of poetry today! And, they were about me!!!! I am absolutely ecstatic! Extremely excited and happy. VERY happy! I love my Goddesss sooooooo much! She is one of a kind! I love you Goddess Maya!

01/01/01

Today is 01/01/01. As my Goddess explained to me earlier, it marks the first day of my life as my true self; a longing submissive slave to the most Beautiful Goddess of all, my Goddess Maya. I love her, adore her, worship her and cannot wait for the day that I’d become truly and completely hers. Forever, and ever and ever! I am so lucky. I am so in love with Her!!!!