May be western superstitions about the number 13 are true after all!
I am very confused. This confusion is really painful. Right now I am certain about only one fact: that I love you so much! I love you extremely much ... so very very very much. I love you with every bone, sole and drop of blood running in my veins. May be that's why I wouldn't mind giving you (and no one else ... not even in play) my blood after all ... because it is already yours. Since I woke up, for five continuous hours now, I have been thinking about my feelings, trying to understand them. I still can't. They are very confusing. I think something, then, I do not know if it is true. Is this normal? I feel something, then I do not know if it is true either. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place. I do not know what is true and what is not. Only two feelings I cannot deny: I love you so much and I am extremely scared of loosing you. I do not want to live without being yours. I do not want to live except as your slave, and at your feet.
You know I have never loved before. You are my first and definitely only love. I do not know what is normal and what is not. Does love always come with fear? Have all people who have ever felt love experienced fear in the same way I do? Is fear a core, mandatory part of love? Is it normal that I do not want to think or be anything except what I think would please you? Is it normal that I am constantly afraid of loosing you? I feel like a drama queen! Am I becoming a drama queen? Is this drama another normal part of love? I do not know if I should be writing this, or sharing it with you. I do not want to think, write or be anything but what would please you! I love you. Would these fears upset you? Would they push you away from me? If yes, then I have to get rid of them, or bury them, or forget them. I do not want them if they are going to push you away. I do not want to find an answer or reach any conclusion that would be in conflict with yours. I want to be yours. I want to be everything you desire, including how I think and what I believe. Does this dependency make you think less of me? Would it repulse you that I am too dependent on you? Does it make you think less of me? It feels that everything I think raises even more questions, more fears and confuses me even more. Every time I think of something I find myself asking if it would make you like me less, and just because there is a chance it might, I find myself blocking this thought and starting to think about some other aspect. Then, I find myself asking the same question about this other aspect, then block it and start thinking of yet another aspect. This becomes an endless cycle. I fall into endless loops and end up feeling even more and more confused.
In addition to being in absolute awe for you, love with you, and constantly missing you, may be this is yet another reason why I am always eager to speak with you. I want to know you more. I want to know everything about you. I want to know you even better than you know yourself - if that's even possible. I want to know you ... No! I need (not want) to know you, because I want to be yours. I want to build my thoughts, my beliefs and myself in accordance to your desires. Yet, even when you allow me to speak with you, I learn very little about you. You do not share much with me. Plus, my endless love for you causes me to get fixated on you - fixated on your voice, your sighs, your surroundings, my love feelings towards you, my desires to kiss you, smell you, taste you, worship you, my desire to be with you, spend my life at your feet - and I fall into a love trance that makes me forget everything I wanted to ask you.
It confuses me even more that you do not desire to speak with me much. I used to love writing this journal for you, but since I started writing, it has taken away from the time I used to be able to speak with you. For this reason, my feelings towards this journal have become more of a love-hate relationship. But, it appears that it is going to take even more, and this is confusing my feelings towards this journal even more.
I completely understand that speaking with you is a privilege, which I dearly and greatly value and cherish. I could never ask you to allow me anything that you do not feel like you wish to allow. But, it still pains and confuses me. I find myself thinking of things like: does she like me less? does she love me less? may be she find me too submissive? with all this crying, does she feel I am weak? does she dislike my weakness? may be she doesn't find our conversations interesting? may be I bore her? ... I understand that the love trance I fall into when we speak can be boring. I know that I fall into a trance and only keep repeating how much I love you. Sometimes, even when we speak and I somehow find my way outside this love trance and identify a question, you tell me you do not wish to speak about it, and when you do, I just surrender to your desire. I love you so much and I am always scared from upsetting you. So, when this happens, I find myself thinking again of how much I love you, and I fall again into my love trance. If this is the reason, if my love trance bores you, then perhaps I can write my questions and thoughts down in advance and read them to you when we speak. But, I do not even know if that's the reason. I know very little, and I am so confused.
This is only the very surface of a deep ocean of thoughts and feelings that are confusing me, tormenting me. It is very strange that while I feel very confused when I am not with you, when we speak, your voice gives me warmth, makes me feel loved, calms me down and gives me peace, and when I see you, I forget everything except how much I am in complete awe for you and love with you. I need you so much ya Setty. I love you, I adore you, I worship you, and I need you to teach me, guide me and lead me. You are Setty, I am your slave, and I want to be everything you desire. I want you to love me and be proud of me. I love you so much ya Setty.
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