04/02/01

The entire day yesterday, I kept remembering that time I knelt at you feet, kissed them, surrendered to you, and begged you to take me in, and make me yours. How you patted me on my head and how you looked at me and nodded for me. I cannot forget how your eyes looked at me at that time, or how happy, content and peaceful I felt at that time, and how I miss feeling that way. The entire day yesterday, all I could think about was how I wish I could do it again: kneel at your feet, grovel at them, kiss them, tell you how much I love you and miss you, surrender to you, and beg you to forgive me, come back, talk to me and allow me to be with you ... Then, you told me I am selfish ... and you are probably right, as you always are. But, I do not know what to do. I am trying not to be selfish, but it is very difficult. I am trying not to tell you how I feel or what I think, but sometimes I fail. I do not want to upset you or burden you with my feelings and thoughts, but sometimes some of them slip through. I am trying really hard to stay and remain away, as you want me to be, despite of how difficult and painful it is. I am trying to do all of this, against my desire ... for you ... because I love you so much ... and I want nothing more than your happiness ... ya Setty. But, I can feel myself getting weaker. Your love makes me strong. That's why I asked you yesterday if you loved me. I wished to hear it so that I could regain some of my strength, and continue fighting my desires and my weaknesses and my selfishness. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want anything more than you happiness. I love you so much ya Setty.